DINOSAUR, CO — Though Satoshi Kon tragically passed away five years ago today, some fans still refuse to accept the passing of their idol to this day. Parker Sailings, a young fan of Satoshi Kon and his work, has announced that he’s discovered irrefutable proof that the famed director, animator, and screenwriter is in fact still alive.
“It’s so obvious,” Sailings explained to our reporter. “Just look at all of Satoshi Kon’s movies. They’re all about bending reality, with the exception of Tokyo Godfathers but lets ignore that one because it doesn’t fit in with my theory. It’s so clear that Kon has created the illusion that he died, it’s all part of his latest movie, Dreaming Machine. We are living out his movie right now!”
Sailings provided Anime Maru with various charts and graphs to support his theory. However due to the overall poor quality of the charts, and the baffling use of the z axis, they’ve been excluded from this article.
“I’ve been called a nut, a crazy conspiracist, a thespian, I’ve heard it all. But I know that I’m right. Kon has had fake news sites like Anime News Network set up just to spread these rumors. Just you wait and see, he’ll be back by the end of the week.”
Satoshi Kon has been unavailable to comment on these claims, presumably because of how absurd they are. How ever the internet has taken to these theories with sites like TheSatoshiCode.org, Perfect-Ruse.net, and many others dedicated to finding the truth behind Kon’s untimely death. It would seem like the world just isn’t ready to let go yet.
“I have other theories too.” Sailings rambled to our staff, “Like how Oshii is secretly involved with the Illuminati, or how Kojima invented Wiki Leaks and is involved with the Illuminati, and of course how Kubrick faked the moon landing alongside the Illuminati. I believe that the Illuminati’s got a hand in everything, because there’s got to be someone in control of all of these horrible tragedies. We can’t possibly live in a world where random chance dictates that a great artist like Kon dies before his time, and I’ll believe any theory that tells me otherwise.”
“You could say that this great man’s passing was a well orchestrated… Kon-spiracy,” Sailings told Anime Maru, after which our reporter promptly ended the interview and kicked Sailings off the premises.