Studio Pierrot Refuses to Release New ‘Tokyo Ghoul: Re’ Blu-rays to “Filthy Anime-Onlys”

Controversy emerged today in Mitaka, Tokyo as Studio Pierrot has officially declared that Blu-ray discs for all future seasons of its once-popular anime Tokyo Ghoul: re will only be made available to those who have already read the original manga. Pierrot is best known for their unique ability to count past the number 24, a rare and powerful trait for anime studios, as well as for their intense disgust toward those that go into shows unprepared.

Pierrot has always been upfront in the belief that viewers should read the original manga. Examples of the studio’s war on illiterate weebs include adding an anime-only mascot to Twin Star Exorcists that Navi would tell to fuck off, contributing heavily to the widespread use of “read-the-manga” endings, and filling Naruto with 298 total filler episodes. No franchise has been more affected by this war than Tokyo Ghoul, whose gorgeous artwork and interesting characters are presented through PowerPoint-level animation, multiple massive time jumps that can literally only be filled in by reading the manga, a non-canon season to confuse anime-onlys, and multiple seasons that end mere minutes after the main character is finally allowed to do something badass.

Despite this impressive history, Pierrot has never before attempted anything of this scale. Seemingly overnight, nearly 30 testing centers have popped up across the greater Tokyo area to properly separate watchers from readers, with plans to open hundreds more across Japan within the month. Each center is equipped with state-of-the-art anti-cheating technology and monitored 24/7. Those unable to pass the 325 question “Manga Assessment” on their first try are relocated to a “Tokyo Ghoul: Reeducation” chamber where a Pierrot official is on standby to read all 30 volumes for them, complete with a soothing voice and a projector screen to showcase the beautiful art. Those who fail the test a second time are immediately ejected from the testing center and barred from enjoying the series ever again. There are currently no plans to open testing centers outside Japan, but Studio Pierrot urges worldwide audiences to read the manga regardless.

“I wish we didn’t have to go so far, but the show was only ever intended to be an ad for the manga,” Chairman Yuji Nunokawa said in a statement regarding the new policy.  “Can you imagine if everyone got all hyped up over Sword Art Online and then didn’t buy any hug pillows or blunt mall swords?  You can’t run a company like that!”

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Starprophet is a few hundred meerkats in the shape of a man, held together by rage and one very charismatic squirrel.