Superpowers Banned In All American Sports; Japanese Athletes Affected


WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a controversial decision, the Senate has approved a bill calling for the ban of all superpowers in sporting events.

“The American people have been clamoring for a fair playing field in sports for long enough,” said Sen. John McCain (R-AZ). “It is simply unfair for our athletic contests to be dominated by a few people who can win as they please, with no others having any hope for victory. It’s just wrong, and it would be a shame if any other facet of American society operated in this manner.”

The uproar began when American athletes who had been born with superpowers suddenly began using them in sporting contests. They had been suppressing these powers all their lives due to fear of backlash against them. However, superpowered athletes have become more common overseas of late, particularly in Japan, where they have popped up in tennis, ping pong and basketball, among other sports. If President Barack Obama lets the bill pass without veto, then the United States would be the first country to take action against superpowered athletes.

“I’m not sure why this is such a big deal,” said Billy Hunter, former executive director of the NBA Players Association. “What, the owners are scared to have players who will earn them more money? They’re leading the charge under the guise of ‘fair competition,’ but they’re really afraid that a player will become so powerful that the success of the league literally hinges on his play. So whatever, they can fuck off with their bullshit. I can say that because I’m not employed anymore.”

The ban on superpowers may drive many foreign athletes out of the U.S. The NBA in particular has recently seen an influx of young Japanese athletes with dominant superpowers. The first of these players, Aomine Daiki, has powers so advanced that he has made the All-Star Team and the All-NBA First Team, won MVP, and won the NBA Championship in each of his first five years in the league.

Japanese phenom Aomini Daiki has dominated the NBA

Japanese phenom Aomini Daiki has dominated the NBA in the last several years

That type of dominance arguably makes the games boring, because so few athletes can hope to match the level of those who have superpowers, detractors argue. The athletes themselves have a blunt response.

“If they want to knock me from the top, then they should beat me,” Aomine said. “Don’t legislate me out of the country because you can’t handle the competition. I had no idea the United States was a country so full of chickens. Once again, the only one who can beat me is me.”

The voice that has gone unconsidered is that of the fans themselves. One would think they would quickly tire of competition where the outcome was so obvious; however, that is no longer the draw.

“One time I saw a guy hit a serve during a tennis game and then meteors flew from the sky and killed all the dinosaurs,” said Greg Farley of Texas. “Like, ALL the dinosaurs. That was pretty cool. I like that.”

About the author

Emerging from the ultraviolent urban sprawl of the 1980s, Shinmaru is the Angel Cop, the 34th Mad Bull, the Wing of Garzey, and The Almighty King of the Street. His taste is total trash. Twitter: @Shinmaru