The NSA Ascends to Godhood


Today’s guest post is brought to you by Draggle, of Draggle’s Anime Blog.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Last night, protesters surrounded the White House to demand changes within the U.S. government. The protesters were urged on by increasingly common invasions of privacy, and many are concerned that the U.S. is becoming more akin to a police state.

“The NSA listens to all of our communications. Then the CIA drones pass judgement from the sky. The federal government has become God, but who judges the judge? When will the sheeple wake up?” asked one protester.

Across the street, a group knelt facing the White House, turning rosary beads and chanting “God bless America. God bless America.”

“It says in the Bible, that in the ends times God will rain down fire from heaven to consume His enemies,” explained their leader. “That time is now, and God has already returned incarnate as the United States of America, the New Jerusalem. His fire from heaven is the bombs our warfighters liberate our enemies with. Repent, for the end is near! But first, God must judge the whole world, including Himself in His own perfection.”

“It’s the omnipotence paradox,” explained another protester. “If the NSA can hear everything, can the NSA make a telephone call that it can’t hear?”

“For the federal government to reach true perfection, it has to address the omnipotence paradox and be able to judge itself. So, like, the CIA should firebomb the White House, or something. That’s all we’re asking for. It’s just common sense.”

The protests were spurred by a message that had appeared the previous night written in blood on the White House lawn. “WC?”, it said. Most protesters believe it stands for “What color?”, asking the government, which infallibly judges terrorists from afar, to apply the same perfect judgments to itself.

Kamui Snowden

However, many experts disagree. One school of thought holds that it is a message left by aliens for the president, similar to crop circles, except they finally found the right address. Another school of thought holds that it stands for “Water Closet.” “That means ‘bathroom’ in British,” tweeted Donald Trump. “Obama couldn’t hold it in last night… and he’s from Kenya so he speaks in British.”

Opinion in Washington is divided on what should be done to address the omnipotence paradox.

“I’m all for the government judging itself,” stated John Brennan, Director of the Central Intelligence Agency. “We liberate the Pakistanis and the Afghans and the Iraqis… and the Syrians… and the Yemenis… and… and… I forget the rest… every single day with our freedom bombs. Why can’t we give Congress a taste of freedom too? They do way more damage to our country than these terrorists living in caves could ever dream of.”

“Absolutely the US government should judge itself,” said Rand Paul (R-KY). “We need to shrink the size of the government, not expand it.”

“Who am I to judge?” asked President Obama. “My predecessors may have used some enhanced interrogation techniques in the past. But that era is over.” Obama raised his voice over the screaming coming from beneath the floorboards. “We need to look forwards, not backwards.”

“Hey, wait!” said Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, . “Judging. Isn’t that my job?”

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