Third Largest Video Game Market Somehow Reports No Recent Mass Shootings

Japan, a country home to the third largest video game market in the world with less than 2% of the global population, has once again reported zero mass shootings over the past year. The news was met with confusion by US officials who were uncertain how a nation under the influence of such social deviancy has somehow not led to citizens gunning each other down on a daily basis.

“We are not sure why these horrible tragedies keep worsening,” said Texas Representative Ronny Jackson, whose state removed the requirement of a permit to carry handguns last year. “But we are going to find out how and why video games are ultimately responsible.”

An estimated 67 million Japanese citizens play video games while the number of privately owned firearms currently sits at less than 400,000. With the clear lack of guns available for people to defend themselves against deranged gamers, US law enforcement was at a loss as to why a society with the added safety of more firearms than people could be on its 233rd mass shooting of 2022.

“Americans can rest assured that great effort is being put forth to protect them in the event that a bad actor does manage to somehow get a hold of a firearm,” stated NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre at the association’s recent conference. “Nowhere else on Earth can you call in to report a school shooter and be confident that the police will be there within an hour to tase the concerned parents. That is what I think we can call real progress.”

With representatives grasping for possible solutions, Senator Ted Cruz suggested that perhaps it was the singular front entrance gates at most schools that kept the game-playing maniacs of Japan at bay.

“If we just funnel as many people as possible through a single point, any potential shooter will be too discouraged by the fire code violations to want to continue,” the senator told reporters.

As the country attempts to cope with yet another tragedy that occurs over ten times more often than other developed nations, Congress assured the public that plenty of thoughts and prayers were being prepared to help uncover what could possibly be allowing the ongoing violence to happen so frequently.

About the author

Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.