Tucker Carlson Says Lolis “Unfit” for Military Service

Fox News host Tucker Carlson has received condemnation for negative comments he made on loli military service members during his latest television segment. The talk show host openly mocked the presence of young women in the military, complaining that they were both unfit for their positions and were making a joke of the armed forces.

“So we’ve got these runts wearing baggy uniforms far too oversized for them and barely able to hold up a firearm,” Carlson said on his show last night. “Little girls are going to fight our wars. It’s a mockery of the military.”

Carlson, who has never once in his life served in the military, was publicly rebuked by military officials for his statements.

“Our Mage Corps soldiers are promoted solely based on their performance, not on height or how old they happen to appear,” stated Lieutenant General Hans von Zettour. “Such comments only show complete ignorance of how capable young women can be on the field of battle.”

“The brave female members of our tank division are the pride of the nation,” declared an official statement from Pravda Girls High School. “To mock the height of those in uniform is inexcusable and extremely disrespectful to the accomplishments of all military service individuals.”

The specialist all-female 501st Joint Fighter Wing unit also harshly criticized Carlson for his comments, referencing the many stories of success and bravery found from young women in the Air Force.

“I’d like to see Carlson try to navigate through hostile enemy fire using only a pair of propellers strapped to his legs. Judging from his performance on Dancing with the Stars, I wouldn’t have high hopes,” Commander Minna-Dietlinde Wilcke tweeted.

It hasn’t been the first time Carlson has received backlash for making discriminatory statements on his show, though many consider his latest subject of targeted bullying to have gone too far.

Carlson has, so far, refused to apologize for his comments, opting instead to echo online conspiracy theories claiming that lolis are actually hundreds of years old and deserving of being bullied.

About the author

Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.