UNITED NATIONS — Representatives from the United Nations General Assembly announced sanctions against Japan for their continued issues with whale hunting, specifically within the mobile game industry. The industry has been known for targeting certain players referred to as “whales,” who are willing to spend hundreds of dollars on random chance pulls.
“Japanese game makers are targeting poor innocent whales with promises of rate-ups of their favorite characters.” UN said in a press statement. “These dumb creatures don’t understand that they are paying real money for an image they could literally just look up online, within what is literally called a ‘gotcha’ game, and it is our duty to protect these dumb, dumb animals.”
The issue of whaling in Japan drew worldwide attention in March of this year, when Netflix released the anime Children of the Whales. The anime focused on children whose parents are addicted to mobage to the point of neglecting their family. In one particularly heart-wrenching scene, the main character Chakuro is forced to go without food because Granblue Fantasy was running a limited time iDOLM@STER Cinderella Girls event.
The UN’s sanctions have drawn sharp criticism from the affected whales themselves, who insist they know what they’re doing. “People don’t understand that these games aren’t just gambling for images, there’s a lot of fun gameplay and strategy that keep people coming back,” said one Fire Emblem Heroes player who spent $500 for a five star picture of Lucina dressed in a bunny outfit.
Meanwhile, American moral guards feel this whaling epidemic is indicative of a failing on the part of Japanese citizens. “This is obviously just gambling, I don’t know how Japanese people can delude themselves this much,” posted one commenter, a few hours after buying several dozen lives in Candy Crush.