United Nations Security Council Condemns Kyon for Not Getting Haruhi to Stop COVID-19

NEW YORK, NY — The Security Council of the United Nations held a press conference for the global media today condemning the lack of action by Kyon in getting Haruhi Suzumiya to stop the COVID-19 pandemic.

“While we often think of Kyon as a cool dude with his sarcastic and cynical nature, we on the United Nations Security condemn him for his lack of action on getting the god-like powers of Haruhi Suzumiya to stop COVID-19,” said United Nations Secretary General António Guterres. “We all know that the best way to solve complex international issues is through forceful action by Japanese school children.”

“I remember when we used to watch Haruhi Suzimiya during session breaks at the General Assembly and Kyon was a real hero to us,” said General Assembly President Tijjani Muhammad-Bande. “But he is really dropping the ball here when the world needs him. Tell her how you feel about her! Oh, and stop the COVID thing too.”

Experts say that Haruhi is the best chance for a successful and timely resolution of this unprecedented crisis.

“Some of the top scientists in the world are hard at work on a vaccine,” said Chairman of the Commission on Science and Technology for Development Atta-ur-Rahman. “But does it really matter when some idiot will just make a YouTube video with a pun name and a bunch of other idiots will refuse to take it? Might as well put all our hopes in some Japanimation character.”

“Haruhi can save us from this horrible disaster and tragedy for our economy,” said Funimation Employee Sam Young. “Remember how great anime DVD sales were when this show came out? We can be there again! We are talking about a Haruhi Season 3, right?”

We reached out to the SOS Brigade for comment but were told the group was hard at work on a project sure to be exciting to fans, creating a fully remastered and extended director’s cut of Endless Eight.

About the author

G. Smith has seen the opening to the Toei Kanon series more recently and more often than you. His retirement savings is entirely invested in anime dvds, anime cels, and anime statues he stores in the basement. His Uno game could be better. He is on Twitter @gricomet