White House Orders CDC to Banish all COVID-19 Data to the Shadow Realm

Washington, DC – The Trump administration on Friday ordered all COVID-19 testing data to be diverted away from the CDC. Instead all COVID-19 patient information and related medical data will be sent directly into the Shadow Realm. The decision has alarmed health experts who worry that important medical information will be forever irretrievable once it is cast into the endless dark void.

“Without access to up-to-date testing information, we really limit our ability to understand the characteristics of this outbreak so that we can best respond to it,” said Allen Winston of the New York State Department of Health. “It is crucial to allow the CDC to perform its job during this pandemic and in the best interest of public health for this data to be utilized properly.”

Medical professionals expressed concerns of White House officials attempting to undermine health experts and downplay the severity of the pandemic. Currently there are no records of mortals being able to return from the Shadow Realm, suggesting that any records banished there would be inaccessible forever. Despite the concern, some representatives continued to support the move claiming it would allow a faster response to the pandemic.

“By redirecting medical data into the Shadow Realm, we greatly improve the efficiency and quicken our response to the coronavirus outbreak,” stated Michael R. Caputo, a Health and Human Services spokesman. “It would sometimes take weeks for the CDC to respond to new information, but now by simply casting new findings into the Shadow Realm, we can deal with new data almost immediately as well as save significantly on costs.”

The US has continued to slip behind other nations when it comes to its response to the pandemic. However, since enacting the new measure no new cases of COVID-19 have since been confirmed. Vince President Pence pointed to the news as evidence of “great leadership”.

As the world continues to deal with the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic, the White House has looked into ways of utilizing the Shadow Realm to deal with other ongoing issues. Some officials have already suggested replacing US Postal Service sorting machines with direct links to the Shadow Realm to help deal with the surge of mail-in voting expected in the upcoming November election.

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Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.