Military Ends Research into the Power of Music

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“Despite many resources and countless man-hours dedicated to this decade-long study, it appears that the armed forces is not currently capable of music-enhanced combat”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to a press release from the Department of Defense released on Sunday, recent military trials involving pop music idols supporting front line combat units have not been successful. “After testing with various groups of singers performing during operations in Afghanistan, the study has not found any measurable increase in the combat performance of infantry or armored vehicles,” the report concludes.

Over the course of the last several years, the military has been experimenting using the power of song to their advantage. Various musicians would perform in close proximity to combat operations, ensuring that their music would be clearly heard on the battlefield. Artists from The Backstreet Boys to the Missy Elliot have participated in these trials, and seem to have little effect.

A consistent problem that the report identifies is performers’ reluctance to be so close to sometimes violent battles. The study cites a specific instance in Afghanistan’s Konar province in 2010: where an Army convoy was ambushed by insurgents as multiple IED’s disable their armored vehicles. Despite Ke$ha’s plea for combatants to “listen to my song”, the unit suffered major casualties. The study suggested that bullets and shrapnel flying around likely distracted the performer, decreasing the fold reception synchronization rate. Experts also believe that the high stress and loud environment of a firefight makes it difficult for combatants to appreciate music.

“Despite many resources and countless man-hours dedicated to this decade-long study, it appears that the armed forces is not currently capable of music-enhanced combat,” a Pentagon spokesperson stated. “We will now focus our attention to other promising development, such as a $2 trillion plane that turns into a flying mech.”

At press time, military officials have not confirmed if they will be evacuating Katy Perry from Syria now that the experiment is over.

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Editor-in-Chief, CEO, and Fearless Leader of Anime Maru. He was trained by the North Korean People's Institute of Journalism and Media. kevo follows voice actresses on Twitter and pretends to understand their Japanese tweets. Twitter: @kevo31415