MANCHESTER, NH — A new study published earlier this week by researchers at the University of New Hampshire claims that calling out attacks does not in fact make them any stronger. This contradicts previous studies such as “Yes, Naming Your Attacks Works, My Older Brother Said So” by Dr. Brian Vaughan. Vaughan came the the conclusion that the louder attack names are shouted, the stronger it will actually be. This new research claims that not only does calling out attack names not affect the power of the attack, but the research also claims that calling out attack names makes attacks less likely to succeed.
“In fact it’ll call attention to your attack, giving the enemy a greater chance to escape,” researcher Dr. Joseph Heel states.
Heel is one of the main authors of “Stop Calling Out Your Attack Names You Fucking Weeaboos”, which was published in the New England Journal of Medicine. In the immediate aftermath, surveys showed a sharp decline in naming attacks. Use of the phrase Shining Finger has gone down 35%, while YuYu Hakusho’s ‘Spirit Gun’ has declined 64%. Even more alarming is that people have ceased shouting “Oppai Missile” almost entirely. Sequels of Aquarion and Senki Zesshou Symphogear franchises planned for next season have also been cancelled.
“You know it always felt silly shouting “ROCKET PUNCH” when I was in the middle of a kickboxing match. I just did it because I thought it would help me win, but now I’ve stopped saying it all together.” Tyler Munro shared after winning for the first time in a kickboxing match.
Whether or not there’ll be a resurgence in named attacks remains to be seen. All that’s certain is my kid’s next few karate classes will be a lot fucking quieter.