CERN Announces New Experiments to Determine How The Hell Stands Work

Due to a decline in public interest and government funding over the last five years, CERN has announced today they will be halting all currently active projects in order to exclusively focus on researching the super-powered entities featured in Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure.

“People just aren’t that interested in elementary particle physics anymore,” council president Dr. Ursula Bassler told reporters. “With public eyes glued to the “sexy” sciences of astronomy and climate research, we’re hoping to recapture some of the community support with Stand research.”

The initiative revolves around a core set of tests CERN has developed in conjunction with the SpeedWagon and the SCP Foundation. Proposals include subjecting death row inmates to a variety of stimuli, in hopes of observing a Stand manifestation in real life.

Despite the public interest in the program, sources within CERN have indicated a growing sense of displeasure at being forced to move from strictly theoretical research to that of pure fiction. One analyst compared the initiative to “being a big fan of a manga series, and then all anyone ends up talking about is the anime adaptation.” The organization has seen a sizable spike in resignations following the announcement, with one high ranking member concluding in their retirement letter, “I hold a PhD in theoretical physics, I helped discover the Higgs Boson, and even with that I still have no fucking idea how King Crimson works.”

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Due to anime currently being classed as a schedule 8 narcotic, Heatfist currently writes for Anime Maru through a series hastily cobbled together VB tins and harmless upper middle class racism, broadcasting from a hidden bunker, located deep in the Australian outback. Communicates solely through sardonicism and second hand banter stolen from early 2000’s AMV’s.