TOKYO-3, Japan — Eyewitness reports confirmed rumors yesterday that the predicted date of the Third Impact, as predicted by the 1997 movie The End of Evangelion, came and went without incident. There were no reports of Ayanami Rei (or in fact, anyone) transforming into the Angel form of Lilith and weather stations around the world disclaimed any and all sightings of esoteric Judaic symbology in the sky. Additionally, news outlets around report that a global anti-A.T. field did not melt down all life on the planet and the souls of all humanity were not reclaimed by the black moon cradled by Lilith, as previously reported.
The events of December 31, 2015 have shocked many around the world, who expected all life on Earth to merge into primordial ooze. Several scientists around the world have come forward with theories regarding the lack of an apocalyptic event where our souls merge and become one with Lilith.
“The souls of all humanity did not merge with the Egg of Lilith, causing her to grow to become a supreme being the size of the planet, because anime is not real,” explains Edgar Martel, a Professor of Astrophysics at the University of Michigan.
Though most of the scientific community support this explanation, not everyone is so convinced. “It’s just a theory, we can’t be sure if anime is real or not,” Joseph Allen, a self-described “anime expert”, tells Anime Maru. “When taken literally, Evangelion in no unspecific terms what happens on December 31, 2015. Trust me, I understand it completely. Other people just don’t get it.”
“Shinji goes through his inner monologue and decides that he doesn’t want humanity to die, so he stops Instrumentality, Lilith dies, and we are all safe, as we see today. People just don’t understand how deep Evangelion is; they need to learn some philosophy.”
When confronted with the question of why none of the phenomenon described by The End of Evangelion actually occurred yesterday, the unemployed 32-year-old claimed:
“They occurred, but you didn’t see them. Details of the events are different in each of the movies; I’m sure the next movie will clearly and concisely explain what indeed happened during the Third Impact.”