Gilbert Gottfried to Voice Tifa Lockhart in Upcoming ‘Final Fantasy VII’ Remake

LOS ANGELES, CA – With rumors and leaks abounding at E3 this year about the upcoming remake of Final Fantasy VII, Square Enix managed to keep details of franchise favorite character Tifa Lockhart under wraps. While there was little backlash over Tifa’s new design, fans have questioned the decision to hire veteran comedian and famed voice talent Gilbert Gottfried as her voice actor.

“Mr. Gottfried is a consummate professional whom we believe is the best choice to bring Tifa to life in the upcoming remake,” director and belt enthusiast Tetsuya Nomura told the media in response to the ensuing outcry.

“Although we had original selected him to portray Cait Sith, after hearing him run through some dialogue from a h-doujin as a vocal exercise, there was no other choice we could of made.”

Subsequent rumors emerging hours after the press conference indicate that Danish actress Stefanie Joosten — best known for her portrayal of Quiet in Metal Gear Solid 5 — was originally offered the role but declined in order to work on Hideo Kojima’s upcoming project Death Stranding. Unfortunately, it has since become apparent her role in Death Stranding was similarly recast without her knowledge, with the character of Fragile, now being played by French actress Léa Seydoux.

Gottfried himself took to social media, attempting to stem fan furor at his recently announced selection.

“To all Final Fantasy fans, I want you to know it is a true honor to portray a character that is so widely loved, and that so many have grown up with. I will sincerely do my best to depict Tifa with as much tact, grace and sensitivity as I can muster. I mean come on, have you seen the size of her BADONKERS?”.

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Due to anime currently being classed as a schedule 8 narcotic, Heatfist currently writes for Anime Maru through a series hastily cobbled together VB tins and harmless upper middle class racism, broadcasting from a hidden bunker, located deep in the Australian outback. Communicates solely through sardonicism and second hand banter stolen from early 2000’s AMV’s.