Man’s Latest Meme-Inspired Purchase Sits Idle in Closet

COLCHESTER, VT – A local man’s latest impulsive purchase reportedly once again failed to gather any significant amount of utility. Vermont resident Brian Paddock purchased a bean-shaped plushie of a character from the series Fate/Apocrypha from an online auction after recognizing it as a subject of various jokes online. Despite Paddock’s initial excitement, the item only began to quickly lose relevance shortly after its arrival and was soon regulated to be left untouched in the back of his closet.

“I thought it would be great to own a one of a kind Altolfo bean plushie,” said the man who just spent over $50 on a small bundle of fabric and stuffing. “But when I opened the packaging, my hopes were quickly dashed. The build quality wasn’t even that great. When I picked it up, all it felt like was cheap foreign labor and sadness, nothing like what the stories online had made it out to be.”

Paddock stated that not once did the plushie exhibit any of the properties he had seen in image macros online. During the near two week duration that the plushie sat on his desk, Paddock was unable to discover any real usefulness for the item. The man did, however, claim that it was particularly good at staring at him as he entered his room, serving as a reminder of his poor financial decisions.

“It just sort of sat there with this smug look on its face,” Paddock told one of our correspondents. “It almost looked like it was trying to imply something at times, but it never actually did anything. At least I was able to get some easy karma on reddit with it.”

As online jokes about the item began to die off, Paddock claimed that it became more and more difficult to justify keeping the cylindrical plush on his desk. It was eventually placed in his closet along with the man’s other forgotten items.

When we left the scene, the neglected plushie was seen still sitting idle in Paddock’s closet along with an assortment of fidget spinners and a Nico Yazawa figure.

About the author

Sustaining on instant noodles and a wavering DSL connection, it is uncertain how Vestro has continued to survive let alone still form a cognitive thought. Regardless, he still manages to come out of his soba induced coma now and then. He can be found spending his time pretending to understand Japanese media as well as picking up the remaining shards of his broken dreams.