Panic Spreads as “Evangelion” Fans Run Out of Hard Drive Space to Save Analyses


It’s been 20 years since the premiere of Neon Genesis Evangelion, and 5 years since studio Gainax has produced anything anyone actually cared about.However mere numbers haven’t stopped Evangelion fans from digging exceedingly deep into the metaphorical messages of what’s been called “The Best Show That Aired in the Second Half of the 90’s Except for Cowboy Bebop and Maybe Great Teacher Onizuka”.

After 20 years of brooding, fans are finding that their hard drives don’t have enough free space to save their analyses of the landmark series that they’ve spent their lives compiling. John Matthews, who recently joined the dissenters sat down with Anime Maru to discuss the pandemic.

AM: Mr. Matthews, thank you for sitting down with Anime Maru to discuss your current situation. We know that your time has become very valuable these days. Would you please begin by describing your current relationship with the Evangelion franchise?

Matthews: Ah- yes, I watched the three existing Rebuild of Evangelion movies last week and found them to be a hallmark of modern animation and story creation. I haven’t watched the original series because the animation looks old and dated in comparison.

AM: I see. Anyways, you joined the cause because you don’t have enough hard drive space to save your analysis, correct? Could you please elaborate?

Matthews: Well you see, while watching the Rebuilds I noticed a deep metaphorical meaning between the amount of eye contact the main character, Shinji, makes with tertiary side characters. You would think that the side characters with next to no lines serve little purpose, but every seasoned Eva veteran knows that NOTHING Hideaki Anno does is arbitrary or unnecessary. However by the time I had put all of my thoughts down I had already extended into the 107th page.

AM: That certainly is impressive Mr. Matthews, however isn’t 100+ pages still quite small for most word processors?

Matthews: And what, delete portions of my Asuka douj- I mean, fanart folder to make room? I didn’t know your site would be sending uneducated casuals for interviews…

According to Matthews, there are “probably at least more than a dozen” fans across the internet’s various Evangelion boards experiencing the same problem, and that widespread riots are “hypothetically inevitable”. Unfortunately Matthews declined any further questions, citing refusal to talk to “uneducated Rei-fan scum”.

Anime Maru was unable to find any actual fans of Rei Ayanami to comment on Matthew’s interview.

When and why any of the protesters will get justice is still uncertain. However it’s been made clear that justice will not be served until the final Rebuild installment is released, allowing fans to finally lay the Evangelion series to rest in the halls of history.

“The final movie will tie up all of the loose ends,” One fan claims. “I’m sure of it”.

About the author

Having been sentenced on 3 separate occasions to commit honorable sudoku after various incidents involving lava lamps and body pillows, Steve sought sanctum against the legions of radical Haruhiists he'd enraged. He fled to a lesser-known corner of our solar system where he happened to find some free wifi and an artisan bakery that appealed to his hipster tastes.